How to Rebuild Confidence After a Controlling Relationship

“I left him, but I still feel like he’s living rent-free in my head.”

Even after she left him, one client still ordered low-calorie meals whenever she ate out. Not because she wanted to - but because his voice was still in her head, telling her what she ‘should’ do.”

I hear this often.

It’s not just the big controlling moments that stay with you. It’s the constant drip of little comments and decisions that slowly make you doubt yourself:

“You look fat in that outfit.” 

“Why would you want to hang out with them?” 

“Don’t be stupid, that’s not how it works.”

Even after you leave, those words stick. They sneak into your thoughts when you’re about to buy something you love, post a picture, or make plans without checking in. It can feel like their voice is still running the show.

So how do you start pushing their voice out - and letting yours back in?

1. How small daily choices rebuild confidence

Often, the first step doesn’t have to big or dramatic. You don’t have to suddenly move to the mountains or book a one-way ticket to somewhere new (unless you really want to). It usually begins with something tiny - the sort of choice they always made for you.

Maybe it’s wearing your natural curls, or digging out the lipstick you bought but never dared to wear.

On the surface, these choices might look small or even silly. But they’re powerful. Each time you make a decision that’s yours - not theirs, you’re sending yourself a message: I can trust me again. 

The more you do it, the stronger that self-trust becomes. And soon bigger decisions don’t feel so frightening.

This is neuroplasticity in action. Each new choice lays down a fresh pathway in the brain, teaching it to link freedom with safety rather than fear.

2. Learning to trust your judgement

Sometimes their voice still slips in. You might be in a shop, holding up a dress you love, when you suddenly hear it:

“That’s not flattering. You’ll look ridiculous.”

That’s the moment to pause and ask: Is this my voice, or theirs?

Then ask again: What do I actually think?

Maybe you’ll put the dress back. Maybe you’ll take it home. Either way, the point is - it’s your choice this time. That shift matters. It retrains your mind to separate their old criticism from your own judgement, breaking the cycle of second-guessing.

3. Importance of boundaries

Boundaries can be a loaded word. I know it can make you roll your eyes or feel that knot in your stomach. And if you’ve been with someone who punished you for having boundaries, it makes sense if the very idea feels selfish or scary.

But boundaries don’t have to be huge. And they don’t look the same for everyone. What matters is starting with ones that feel safe, such as:

• Let yourself leave a gathering early if you start feeling overwhelmed.

• Let a text or call sit before replying, instead of answering straight away.

• Put old photos or messages in a box or private folder so you’re not stumbling across them every day.

• If family or friends bring your ex up, give yourself permission to say, “I’d rather not talk about them right now.”

• Block them on social media so you’re not pulled into checking their stories or posts.

• Tell your kids, “Mummy’s off duty for the next 30 minutes,” and stick to it, even if the laundry’s calling.

• Keep Saturday mornings for something that’s just yours - a walk, a coffee with a friend, or reading in peace.

The first time you do this, you might feel like you’ve done something wrong, almost like you’re breaking a rule. That’s not failure - that’s just your brain replaying old conditioning.

Each time you set a small boundary and survive it, you’re teaching yourself: It’s safe to put myself first now.

Over time, your nervous system learns that the backlash you once feared isn’t coming. You are safe.

Therapy often talks about the nervous system “relearning safety.” What you’re doing here is gently retraining your body to expect calm instead of conflict. Over time, that changes how your whole system responds to stress.

4. Setbacks are practice, not failure

Here’s the truth most people don’t tell you: healing isn’t about being perfect or never looking back.

There will be days you feel proud of your progress. And there will be days you catch yourself doing the very thing you swore you wouldn’t - texting them, scrolling through their socials, answering a call you knew would hurt.

In those moments, it’s easy to think: “Great. I’ve ruined all my progress.”

But you haven’t. That’s not failure, it can be the next step forward.

Growth isn’t about never falling. It’s about what happens after. Each time you steady yourself after a wobble, you’re proving something your ex never wanted you to believe: you are capable of more than you were told.

5. Clear signs you’re making progress

I see it with my clients all the time: that quiet moment when someone notices themselves making a choice they never would’ve trusted before. Saying “no” without guilt. Not picking up the phone when they know it’ll only cause hurt. Letting themselves enjoy a Saturday morning in peace.

These moments aren’t loud or dramatic, but they’re powerful. Change is built in these small and consistent acts of self-trust.

If you recognise yourself in this, know you’re not alone. Many people are walking the same path - from controlled to confident. And if you’d like support as you take those steps, I’d be glad to walk alongside you.